Irish singer Sinead O’Connor is a woman on a mission – for sex. So frustrated is O’Connor with the distinct lack of action in her bedroom, she’s taken her cause to the Internet in a bid to find an obliging and suitable bedfellow.
In a series of eyebrow-raising posts on her official blog, the ‘Nothing Compares 2 U’ chanteuse, 44, has made public her lack of between-the-sheets action, and quest to find “a very sweet sex-starved man.”
In a rambling piece written earlier this month, titled “Is Sinead About To Hump Her Truck?”, O’Connor writes: “I recently read of a woman in America who married and regularly humps her truck. I don’t yet own a truck but I’m beginning to understand her head space. And am worried I too may be so desperate for sex that within days I might run up the road and hump Bray Cab’s whole fleet in one hour.”
Explaining her dire situation further, the thrice-married singer adds: “My sh*t-uation sexually/affectionately speaking is so dire that inanimate objects are starting to look good as are inappropriate and/or unavailable men and/or inappropriate and/or unavailable fruits and vegetables. I tell you yams are looking like the winners.”
That’s put me right off my salad.
She continues: “Needless to say what I do for a living makes it hard for me to find men that only want me cuz they like my (legendary) arse. Yet I am in the peak of my sexual prime and way too lovely to be living like a nun. and it’s VERY depressing.”
But while she’s declared open season on her sex life, O’Connor, who announced she was a lesbian in 2000 (and later clarified the statement to Entertainment Weekly in 2005), stipulates a series of deal-breakers.
Note to applicants:
“He must be no younger than 44.
“Must be living in Ireland but I don’t care if he is from the planet Zog.
“Must not be named Brian or Nigel.
“Must be blind enough to think I’m gorgeous.
“Has to be employed. Am not fussy in what capacity generally but vehicle clampers need not apply.
“Leather trouser- wearing gardai, fire-men, rugby players, and Robert Downey-Junior will be given special consideration. As will literally anyone who applies.”
Oh, and some very important stipulations:
“I like me a hairy man so buffed and/or waxed need not apply.
“No hair gel.
“No hair dryer use.
“No hair dye.”
Also, ladies should not feel left out.
“I’ve had reasonable complaints from lesbians that they have been excluded,” writes O’Connor. “This was terribly remiss of me and I would now like to make it clear that women will also be very much considered.”
She signs off with, “I must end now as I have a hot date with a banana.”
O’Connor briefly called off her search, claiming to have found her elusive mate.
She wrote: “Search called off for now. Suitable man found.
“Filled by an extremely sweet, kind, very respectful, considerate but absolutely FILTHY minded, un-inhibited RUDE sex maniac named John. and no.. I don’t mean John Waters (ex partner and father to her daughter Brigidine).”
But the search was back on when she discovered that John had a pregnant girlfriend. Total deal-breaker. But she hasn’t given up hope, and is still taking applications.
“ALL applicants will receive replies but since there are literally hundreds of applicants, it may take a few weeks for me to respond to each one,” she adds.
But note, you “must have sweet heart and filthy mind.”
All applications are apparently being vetted by her (no doubt very busy) assistant.
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